Early in childhood, I learned to where masks to hide who I my true self. Fear of rejection from my parents, particularly my mother paralyzed me, so I stayed in my room as much as possible, and talked little. When I did speak up, I would never say anything contrary to any authority figure for fear of punishment, denial of love, or rejection. To have my true self rejected, the ultimate punishment, led to wearing masks. At least, if the personality under the mask seemed out of step, I could consider myself redeemed by the knowledge that it wasn’t my true self. My mother ranted and raved at me to share my thoughts. If these thoughts misaligned with her thinking, she cried and piled on the guilt. Once I decided I would be happier living with my father, and I mistakenly voiced this opinion. After screaming that I would never be allowed to live with him, my mother cried for three days. Scenes such as this, reinforced the necessary creation of the false face, which I carried into adulthood.

After years of visits to the psychologist couch, I finally got some pastoral counseling which made me aware of lack of self-worth issues that had developed from the false face. I decided to work at finding out who the real person behind the mask truly was, as I had no idea at this point, having considered the mask reality for so long. For my string of relationships I’d turn into the person they wanted me to be, as I had done so long before for my mother. My second husband liked to go to the track, so I pretended to like to go to the horse track with him, and go to all the 5K races he’d run in. At first, I enjoyed the fact that I had won his heart, but after time, I realized most of my life consisted of doing things I didn’t enjoy, and I stopped cold turkey attending these events, especially after the ex had gambled away $30,000. He starred into space wondering what happened to the person he thought he’d married. I had revealed my true fact, although it wasn’t the one he had married, and the marriage, for all intensive purposes ended that day even prior to the gavel of the judge declaring it so.

After my divorce, I decided to spend some time without husbands or any significant other in my life, to heal and discover who the person in the mirror each morning truly represented. I thought I had myself figured out, when three years later, I decided to date. I had waited long enough, and wanted a relationship. At this time, I had retired at a young age on permanent disability with Rheumatoid Arthritis. Concerned this detracted from my value; I dressed myself like a Barbie doll, and downplayed the illness. Before I realized the path chosen, I pretended to like actually participating in sports, which, I absolutely hated, and as this new person gave me a list of what they considered fun, I acted like this would be things I’d like to do with him.

Thank goodness for divine intervention. As I pondered my discomfort with the dating scene I had just entered, I realized that I reverted to old patterns of wearing a mask to be who the other person wanted me to be. This date emailed me a list of things he found really wonderful about me, none of which included playing sports. He enjoyed my intelligence and wit – bits of my true self. I realized that I only wanted the relationship at face value, cards on the table. I mentioned I liked being a girly girl, and watching play softball might be fun, but my playing it would not. He still seemed to want to get together, but I’m still not sure he sees the real me. Next contact, however, I want to reveal only true colors. Next time, I hope to leave the mask checked at the door before I even open my mouth.

Wearing masks also comes from approval addition stemming once again from my relationship with my parents. I transferred this behavior to clergy, the main authority figure in my life. By also failing to consider the fact, that they are human beings too with frailties, instead of being who I am, I make excuses whenever they seem angry. Recently, I attended a branch of my church that was 20 miles closer to my home because of my illness. The associate pastor at my current church took great umbrage. Instead of letting it roll off my shoulders, I felt the need to defend myself. Now as I look at the situation, it’s none of her business what motivated me to attend the church, and the fact that she’s upset, should not upset me. I’m going to try to walk these new revelations out in life realizing some people will reject me, and others won’t, and that doesn’t mean who I am, is bad. For a while, I expect the rejection to hurt, but being true to self will outweigh the pain from the rejection once I truly internalize that my worth in value is grounded in Christ.

Copyright (c) 2005 Laurel Aiyana. All rights reserved.

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